Saying Goodbye to Contemporaries.

I attended a memorial service today for my friend and cousin Kerry. I have spent the last two years spending as much time as I could with Kerry who became very sick with cirrhosis of the liver. He was not a big drinker but he had a hard time in Vietnam and then he had to come home. His life was not like any other that I know. He was unemployable upon return and lived on $1500. dollars a month for the last 40 years. He was a surfer and he loved the ocean. And that is what we had most in common; our love for the ocean and the beach and Rhode Island.

The hardest thing about a friend dying is that they are no longer with you once they have passed. In the case of Kerry, I knew three years ago that he would be dying and his disease was not curable. Yet now that he is gone, I am sadder than ever.

He lived like no other person I have met, on his own terms and in his own world. I learned at the funeral that he was diagnosed with schizophrenia upon return from Vietnam. That explains all of the stories he went on and on about that did not seem believeable. I merely thought the disease had entered his brain and let him tell these stories to satisfy whatever point he was trying to make. I have to say he was the most kind, polite and consistent person I have met. And truly one of the best friends I have had in awhile.

There are no fancy awards for caregiving and it is not something you want to write or brag about. But the rewards of making someones life better and more fun as they come to their end is not something you can put a price on. It is rewarding to help people in any way that you can, to improve the human condition, to bring a smile or some happiness to someone who is physically and mentally suffering.

I wanted to give him something to look forward to each week when he came to Narragansett to do his laundry and visit the doctors. So my husband and I would take him to dinner or cook him dinner, towards the end. Sometimes he would come by the beach just to sit and rest and watch the beautiful sea. And somehow that brought peace and a little relief. My biggest concern was that he would die alone as his parents predeceased him and his only family was his sister, 30 miles away.

He did not die alone. He went to the hospital and found my brother who has worked in the Emergency Room for 30 years. He got him a bed, called his sister and he was able to die with my brother and his sister. I know my dad, a doctor who is now deceased, would have been very happy that we took care of his cousins nephew in the way that we did.

Some people shy away from people when they get sick or are diagnosed with a disease. But really you should spend as much time as you can with that person. I have seen alot of people die in the past 10 years; sister, father, mother, sister in-law, cousin. But losing contemporaries is the hardest because it makes you more aware that your days may also be numbered on this earth.

These diseases, like most, are manageable but not cureable. Maybe someday they will be but that has not been my experience growing up in a family of medical personnel. The best thing you can do when you find out someone you love is sick is; to spend as much time as you can with them and to make their last days comfortable and peaceful.

I know Kerry is at peace and in heaven now and for that I am truly grateful.